#4 On Chloe's Must-Have List For Summer 2009: A Fun Handbag

A Fun Handbag

Handbags are important. Very. Important. Once upon a time, a long long long time ago, I used to not believe that handbags were that important. Any old PVC creation from Target would do, I had decided. Who cared if it was leather or designer or whattheheck ever. I just needed something to haul my stuff around in, and who cared what it looked like?

Then I went to work one day and made a horrifying, startling discovery: I was carrying the exact same purse as my 68-year old co-worker.

Oh, holy sweet jesus. Sweet sweet sweet jesus mother of Bambi you just can't do that.

Now, I love my 68-year old co-worker dearly, don't get me wrong. She's actually the reason I began to date Husband. She's known my husband since he was a little boy and insisted that I give him a chance- he wasn't like the rest of the losers out there (and she was right!).

She's feisty and quite stylish for her age. She told me she has her eyebrows tattooed on and I believe her. She also told me that she went to etiquette school when she was younger, which is where she got her accessorizing knowledge and sense of style. I believe her there, too. The woman is always dressed to the nines in her ensembles. Watches, jewelery, bling, earrings, scarves, belts- she wears it all and she wears it well. She was tucking her pants into her boots long before that came into style; she also has been wearing a pyramid stud belt long before Carrie rocked it in the SATC movie. My little elderly co-worker could have easily been the fifth Golden Girl- she refers to stupid people as "yo-yo's", she told me that if I wanted to "whittle my middle" I should hula hoop (and then proceeded to gyrate around to demonstrate, lady can move), and one day she even told me (in a hushed whisper) that she doesn't like Angelina Jolie much, she thinks she's such a whore. All in all, my 68-year old co-worker is pretty awesome.

But she's 68. I should not be carrying the same handbag as a 68-year old. No one should be carrying the same handbag as a 68-year old except another 68-year old. Got it? Good.

A great handbag is the best way to spruce up any outfit. Even on the days I'm shlepping around in VS yoga pants and hoodies, I still feel polished if I'm carrying my best bag. My purse collection began slowly, first with a Botkier (the Cleo satchel, which I still love!) and then with my Chloe Saskia satchel (a very gracious gift from Hubby for my birthday). Along the way I've collected a few Rebecca Minkoffs, a few Koobas, a few from Andrea Brueckner (I really like her bags, although she isn't as well known), and a few from J. Crew and Banana Republic.

And now that I have these bags, you guys, I get it. There's a difference. I still look at my Chloe bag and purr. It's sitting in front of me right now. In fact it's in front of me at almost all times, since it has a special spot on my office desk, propped up high and proud on my pink filing box. It's a bold, cherry red hue doesn't go well with most of my summer outfits but that's okay- no way will I ever put it away in my closet into a dust bag. No sirree. Pretty bags do not belong put away into dust bags. Even if I'm not currently wearing my Chloe bag, I'm looking at it and obsessing over it and mashing my face into its supple lambskin leather randomly throughout the day like any good purse owner should do.

That being said, I still firmly believe that a fun, cute handbag can come in all price ranges. It doesn't need to be expensive to be stylish or add that extra "oomph" to your outfit. I still have several bags from Forever 21 and Target because they're darling in their own little way (and because they're also good to bring to basketball games where you don't care if someone dumps a beer all over your bag, it's not your $2,000 Chloe bag that's soaking in beer it's your $20 Target whatever and you might even join in the festivities and dump some beer on it yourself, that's how much you don't care if it gets ruined) and so without further ado, here are my picks for fun summer handbags:

1. The high-end:

Versace Croc Embossed Leather Satchel - $2,880

Oh, I love this bag. I love, love, love this bag. I will always have a fondness for square satchels; there's something about the squareness that speaks to me. I can admire Balenciagas on others; same for Louis Vuitton Speedys and Chloe Padlocks. But I will always love a good, solid, classic looking handbag. Birkins, Chanel flap bags, Marc Jacob Stams, and now this Versace- they're all classic-looking and I love them all. Perhaps it says something about me- I like to play it safe; I look both ways before crossing the street and floss every night before bed and have never bought a lottery ticket in my life. Maybe that's what these handbags are announcing, perhaps this is what I'm advertising to the world with my handbag choices- that my name is Chloe and I'm about as square as it gets and that's why I pick handbags that are ridiculously expensive and still look like something a 68-year old would be hauling around. But that's okay. You should always wear what you love, and I freaking love this bag. I'd love it even more if it came in white, but I'm too lazy to go searching.

2. The middle:

Rebecca Minkoff Nikki Hobo - $575

So it isn't a satchel, it's a hobo; but I love it nonetheless. This might be the only non-satchel handbag that I love. Rebecca Minkoff takes luscious leather to a whole new level- the leather on her bags are like buttuh. They are all seriously so soft and squishy and supple. I don't understand why so many people would drop money on a Coach handbag (which is so ridiculously overproduced, ugh!) and not look at a Rebecca Minkoff handbag instead. I'd much rather have the RM. The Nikki comes in a variety of pretty shades for summer. My favorites for summer are the Peacock (pictured above and I own it!) and the cream color, but the Mint and Sunshine shades are lovely as well.

3. And the cheap:

Merona Collection Large Tote with Brass Hardware - $39.99

Two words: BARBIE HANDBAG. That alone should sell this one. It looks like something the Barb-er-nator would wear, doesn't it? I seriously had to do a double-take when I saw this bag at Target a few weeks ago. My first thought was, "Huh, I thought Isaac Mizrahi stopped designing for Target..." and then it was, "OMG BARBIE" and then it was, "OMG I NEED I NEED I NEED I NEEEEEEEED." Yay, go Target!

5. And then there is me:

With the Rebecca Minkoff Nikki and the Target Merona handbag:

Please ignore the fact I'm in my gym clothes (tank + VS yoga pants) in the first picture and Streak is being a typical cat and hogging my good light. I also realize Streak doesn't get a lot of airtime on my blog, so there you go. There's Streak doing what she does best- annoying the living daylights out of me. She's 17 and she's going to live another 17 years just to spite me.

What bags are you coveting this summer? What's on your "must" list? Please share in the comments!

Help?

It's Stevie again! I swear I'm still alive, I've just been hanging out over here (which was started as mainly a place to show photos to family and friends but I love all the comments I've been receiving!). That, and making sure our newest addition, Ingeborg-the-Frenchie, isn't playing Puppy Monster with the couch. She's been a pretty complacent puppy, but she also demands to be carried everywhere, which was cute when she was 4 lbs. Now that she's 9 lbs and growing, it's getting a little old. Thankfully, I can just shove her outside, which is a great reason why I should never have human babies. Here Inge, go outside and chew on some grass:


I'm making an appearance to ask a favor. Last summer, a friend moved to China to teach in an elementary school. My husband and I, along with another friend, were kicking around the idea to visit him this summer, because how many times will you have the ability to visit a friend in a foreign country? (You hear that Chloe? You'll have the rest of your life to buy those fancy dresses but China only happens once! ONCE!)

Actually, it seemed like something that wouldn't ever happen because I've been watching too much HGTV and a vacation to Roatan seemed a lot more tempting It seems like every other person on House Hunters International is buying a house on Roatan! I never even knew Roatan existed before then, but now I'm convinced we need to sell the house and move there. (Does HGTV own stock in Roatan? The spellchecker doesn't even recognize Roatan as a word. Roatan Roatan Roatan. I need to back away from the HGTV).

That is, until last night, when my friend announced (over MSN) that really, July 1st or thereabouts would be the best time for us to visit him. A quick check with all those involved confirmed that this would work with their schedules.

Cues manic screaming

That's only two months away! So aside from needing to line up our airfare and visas, I need some suggestions on things to do/see.

I know this is a shot in the dark, but has anyone been to China before? I've been looking through Trip Advisor but the plethora of information is enough to make me want to curl into a fetal position and cry. Or go outside with Inge and chew on some grass.

We'll be flying into Shanghai, and spending a little time at my friend's place in Wuxi (about an hour away). We're planning on being in China for about 10 days. We hope to make it up to Beijing for the Great Wall, and maybe over to Xi'an to see the Terracotta Army, so a lot of time is going to be spent on trains. Anyone thing else we need to do or see? Any other tips or hints about traveling in China? Or, as someone who has only been outside the country to go to Mexico, any other tips for international travel?

And is it sad that I should be panicking about all of this but instead I'm panicking about the fact that I'm trying to grow out my hair and two months from now is putting me square into the category of "awkward-in-between-mullet-length" so I'm going to be traipsing through China with awful hair?

My priorities are clearly in order here.

HELP!

You Spin My Head Right Round, Right Round.

A quick break in my "Summer Must Haves" list- I will have another tomorrow (summer handbags, yay!) so stay tuned.

I wanted to post a few quick things. First! I found a new seller on Etsy that I love, love, love. Actually, I didn't quite find her...but when Karla over at Karla's Closet posted about Bonzie yesterday, I was immediately blown away. And I mean- blown away:

I will admit that sometimes I am a bad blogger and I keep little treasures to myself. Especially Etsy treasures- why would I show the thousands of readers I get each day (most stumbling on to my page by complete mistake, by the way, from what I can tell from my Google analysis and the fact that someone found my page one day using the keywords "patches of skin on butt flaking off disease") (shining moment of my short blogging career, by the way) what I want to soon buy off Etsy? What if they buy it and I can't?! Right? Right. And someone googling "patches of skin on butt flaking off disease" probably shouldn't be buying stuff off of Etsy, if that's what they're looking for. I probably shouldn't be distracting them and sidetracking them with that, because they should be going to a doctor and not shopping online for floral boleros. LIKERIGHTNOW.

But I will be nice and show you Bonzie because I've already bought what I wanted to buy from the shop- the purple wrap on the right. I bought it last night, as soon as I clicked through the site from Karla's Closet. Wow, it is so pretty! Isn't it pretty? I can't wait to get it. I really, really, reeeeally can't wait to get it. And I can't wait to see what else Bonzie creates here soon. Some people have so much talent that it just blows me away. And when people have that much talent, I'm willing to pay a pretty penny for it because I do not have talent. Pretty pennies yes, talent no. And that makes the world go round.

Second! Nanette Lepore blogs. Really! Not a lot, but she does occasionally write over at the Huffington Post. I never knew this until yesterday. I just adore Ms. Lepore, and her article on having to lay people off is heartbreaking. But, it's the reality of the current state of the economy and something we're experiencing ourselves with Husband's company. It sucks knowing you're going to have to let good people go, people who have made your business what it is. It sucks knowing that you're going to have to say, "We have no work right now, and we don't know when we'll have work again, and I don't know anybody else who has work for you to do." It sucks because you know their families, you've met their wives, they've worked for you for years...and you have to let them go. I keep waiting for the sun to peek out from the clouds in all of this.

I worry about Husband sometimes. He is a winner, he only plays to win. He only knows winning. He does not know failing, he's unfamiliar with handling what is happening right now. He's not familiar with feelings of disappointment and uncertainty. He did not play on a failed YMCA 4th grade girls basketball team that didn't win a single game like I did- he's not okay with saying, "Oh well, you win some and you lose some; at least my hot pink Barbie fake fingernails are still intact and better luck next time."

When he plays football, he wins. When he plays basketball, he wins. When he runs a business, he wins. I think this (temporary!) setback has been harder on him than he lets on.

I don't blog a lot about this because it's hard. We're young and we'll soon be moving forward again, I have no doubt. The past few years have been awesome to us, with the company and work booming. Husband has worked so hard and because of it we have so many great things. It's been a bit of a splash of icy cold water down the back of my shirt to suddenly see this, and I know it's the same for Husband. But it's also a slap back into reality, that we are young and we still have the rest of our lives to get to where we want to be. Husband's dreams of retiring at the age of 40 and traveling the world might be temporarily thwarted for now, but that's okay. And since I always tend to look on the bright side- it's really helped strengthen our marriage to have to deal with this stress. Reality is, we're still in a better place than many Americans right now (we have jobs, a roof over our heads, and money still in the bank since Husband hoards money like the Mint is going to stop printing it) and for that, I am ever so thankful.

Also hey, after nearly three years of marriage now, Husband still makes me laugh like nobody else (we were being so inappropriate out in public with our humor tonight, I can't even post it here because you guys would not get it and hate me, and there's nothing worse than telling a joke, having that person not get it, and then having that person hate you because they don't get it). I never have to worry about that with Husband, nope. He always gets the joke. He will always be my favorite person, even if it means that I'm lying to Petunia when I tell her she's my favorite person. I'm also lying to Peets when I tell her she's a person and not a dog (and the prettiest person EVER, by the way), so what's one more lie going to hurt?

Third! I'm srsly over this Swine Flu thing. It hasn't even hit in Colorado yet and I'm so sick of it. Shut up, you stupid media. I'm not scared of the dying or sprouting a third eyeball or whatever the newspress is trying to scaremonger us with. I'm scared of the barfing. I'm still having nightmares over what happened during Christmas. Baaaad nightmares, you guys. It's been too short a time since then and now, and if I so happen to catch this Swine Flu (which is likely since I have a suppressed immune system and get everything) I think I will just curl up into a ball and die. I will die because the sort of puking that goes with the flu is something I can only endure once every few years; I can't do it again. I just can't. Ohmygosh. I am dreading this.

Okay, time to wrap this up. We went to the Nuggets game tonight, which was awesome. One of the perks of being married to the wonderful (handsome, smart, sexy, Best French Toast Maker In The World) person that I am married to is that we often get tickets to local sporting events. And we often get really good tickets to really awesome sporting events. The Nuggets have advanced to second round of the playoffs for the first time in 15 years tonight and we were there and it was so exciting! I wish I had brought my camera, as we were sitting mid-court in the 13th row tonight. We had a pretty good view of all the action. We've been closer before, but for free playoffs tickets I'm definitely not complaining. I could see the detail of all of Chris "Birdman" Anderson's crazy tattoos, so that's pretty darn close.

I wish I had brought my camera! I wish, I wish, I wish. I didn't. :(

I seriously thought I'd never be as big of a sports nut as I have become- I can't hardly stand to watch basketball on TV, but I love being in the middle of things at a game. Something about the energy of the crowd (especially for the playoffs, HOLY MOLY!) and all of the people and noise and action all together is really something. I typically avoid large crowds at all costs (and loud noises and crowds and loud noises together OHMYGOSH) but give me tickets to a Nuggets game and I am so there. I love it.

(Also, Husband buys me cotton candy at the games. Cotton candy! Yay!)

But my head is thumping with the beginning of a headache and I need to get some sleep. So much for posting just a "quick" few things, eh? Goodnight, my lovelies!

#3 On Chloe's Must-Have List For Summer 2009: A Sultry Pair of Sandals

A Sultry Pair of Sandals

As soon as the temperatures begin to creep anywhere near the 60 degree mark, I'm in sandals. Heck, give me a 45-degree day (and no snow on the ground) and I'm probably in sandals. I love sandals almost as much as I love dresses; the fact that I must confine my tootsies in boots and shoes throughout the winter thoroughly depresses me.

(I originally typed "toesies" and my Firefox spellchecker asked me if I meant tootsies. Why yes, yes I did Firefox! Thank you for keeping me refreshed on my cutesy vocabulary; thanks for making me sound like I'm a little old lady that belongs in New Joisey.)

But back to the sandal thing here. It really does depress me- the Sad Sandal Stupid Snow Syndrome (I shall call it) typically strikes in the middle of January. It's around that time of year I always find myself in my closet waving my arms around while proclaiming, "I WANT THIS SNOW TO GO AWAAAAY. I WANT TO MOOOOOVE. I WANT TO MOVE SOME PLACE WHERE I CAN WEAR SANDALS YEAR ROUND AND IT'S WAAAARM. I AM GOING TO PACK UP PETUNIA AND LEAVE YOU, HUSBAND OF MINE, I'M GETTING AN APARTMENT IN ARIZONA AND YOU CAN COME VISIT ME 'KAYTHANKSBYE."

I typically even haul out a few empty suitcases to emphasize my point, yell-talking and waving my arms around while piling sandals and shorts in the suitcases (with Petunia on top ignoring the whole production while chewing on whatever clothing tag she finds to fit into her mouth). Husband watches on, smirking to himself as I carry on ranting in my madness. He always rolls his eyes and nervously ignores me (or promptly schedules a trip to somewhere warm, like Vegas or...Arizona!) so I kind of get my way. But only kind of- we always return to the wintery city within a week and I'm back to being sad, itching for the warm weather and my sandals.

So! No summer is complete without sandals (and lots of them) and this year I am loving what I shall refer to as "Balmain-Inspired Studded Strappy Sandals". I have no idea if that's what the fashion world is calling these, but that is what I've decided to call them. Hang on here, and you will see what I mean.

1. The high-end:

Balmain Studded Crystal Sandals - $1,950

For my expensive category I chose none other than the Balmain beauties themselves. They first made their appearance on the Balmain Spring 2009 Runway. I, however, didn't notice them until I saw this picture of Jennifer Connelly in a Balmain straight-off-the-runway-get-up at a premiere for He's Just Not That Into You. Holy moly. I can leave the dress (the shoulder pads freak me out and isn't this dress from the Spring 2009 RTW collection much prettier?) but those sandals. THOSE SANDALS. If I had $2,000 to drop on something completely self-indulgent and over-the-top and obscene this year, those sandals would be it. I don't (damn you sucky economy!) but lucky for me, "Balmain-Inspired" sandals are popping up everywhere. Hooray.

2. The middle:

Steve Madden Quikk Sandals - $69.50

Both Zara and Bebe did a near exact replication of the Balmain Studded Crystal sandals, which I could have easily featured for my "middle" choice. However, I don't have a Zara anywhere near me and the Bebe ones are completely sold out (and going for almost $300, which is double their selling price, on any auction site). ALDO also does a knock-off, but I find ALDO shoes to be uncomfortable and poorly-fitting on my feet. So I decided to feature these Steve Madden wedges instead. They aren't exactly the same, but the concept is there- the chunky, studded, blingy straps swath your feet in total badassness. And that is what I like so much about this concept- the edginess of the design actually makes your feet look prettier- dainty, even, in comparison to the straps and studs. Wedges are easy to walk in and even easier on the feet, which makes them my sandal of choice for the summer. You get the best of both worlds with the Steve Madden Quikk sandals.

3. And the cheap:

Go Jane Stud Decor Strappy Thong Heel - $15.70

Looking to get the same look but not break the bank? Go Jane is great for this. They have also jumped on the "Balmain Inspired" trend and for $15.70 you can get these awesome little heels. The heel is a very easy-to-walk-in 3-inches (well, easy-t0-walk-in-for-me, I probably shouldn't make this bold statement for others because I am sure my 76-year old gramma would not find them so easy-to-walk-in. Neither would my Husband. I'll shut up now). The only downfall is the lack of cushioning. While they are lightly padded on the bottom, I would recommend getting some foot petals to place near the ball of the feet if you're planning to do any heavy walking in them. I actually have these sandals and love them, and after buying foot petals they're still only around $20. You can't afford not to get them. Srsly.

4. And wait! One more!

Candies Eddy Sandals - $49.99 (on sale for $17.99)

These flat sandals are also another inspired version (that I also own!). They're comfy and look great with both jeans and dresses. They're also available in black, but I liked the gold version better for these. I wouldn't walk for miles in them (they're not that comfy!) but they are comfortable enough to wear around on lazy summer days and not be limping by the end of it. And again, for under $20- you can't afford not to get them! Isn't it annoying when people say that to you? It's like the ultimate in "I Don't Know What Else To Say To Pitch a Sale For These So I'm Going to Tell You They're Cheap And You're a Complete Idiot Not Smart Person If You Don't Buy Them".

But it's true. They're cheap, and you're a complete idiot not smart person if you don't buy them. So there.

5. And then there is me:

In the Go Jane sandals and the Candies sandals, of course.

Not counting my Tory Burch Breely flip flops (and the J. Crew sandals I always get suckered into buying every year) I simply don't see the point in dropping a pretty penny on sandals. When it comes to sandals and the summertime, I like to completely go for quantity over quality. Er, um, I mean....I like quality (I'm not going to tell you guys to run out and buy something that's going to fall apart after 5 minutes of wearing it) but places like Target, Kohl's, Old Navy, and even Go Jane have great sandals at an even greater price. Go! Run! Buy!

So how about you guys? Love the Balmain-inspired studded trend? Hate the Balmain-inspired studded trend? What sandals are you coveting this summer?

#2 On Chloe's Must-Have List For Summer 2009: And a Cute Sundress to Go Over That Cute Bathing Suit

And a Cute Sundress to Go Over That Cute Bathing Suit

Of course. No outfit to the beach (or pool) (or bathtub, if that's what you like) would be complete without a cute little cover-up to don over your swimsuit. This can be tricky- you need to look cute while covered in water, sand, a sunburn, and greasy sunblock that is dripping and burning your eyeballs. And you want to look cute without looking like you're trying too hard. See here, here, aaaand here.

(Petunia would also like everyone to know she is much happier now that she's living with us and not that silly Hilton girl. Muuuuch happier.)

The perfect cover-up should be just that: a cover-up. No need to accessorize these with bling, jewels, and 5" heels. No, the perfect cover-up needs absolutely no embellishing and can make the most professional urban city dweller (from Minneapolis!) look like they not only belong on the beach, but that they live there year-round, too. Hear that, Paris? And um, Prince (the only celeb I know from Minneapolis)? This one is for you...guys.

1. The high-end:

DVF Kleio Cover-up - $250

Diane Von Furstenberg (or as Husband calls her- "Fursty", because he claims that the two of them roll on a nickname basis) is known for her iconic dresses, so it's no wonder that she also makes a beautiful cover-up for the beach. This tunic dress is light and simple, with pretty pindot designs swirling about the body and sleeves of the dress. Add a pair of gold flip flops and you're set. (Interesting piece of trivia for the day: Fursty's first husband was Prince Egon of Furstenburg, who was an elder son of a German prince. They had two children together during their brief marriage- Prince Alexandre and Princess Tatiana. NEAT! AND YOU HEAR THAT, COUNTESS LUANN? PRINCESS VON FURSTY COULD KICK YOUR ASS ANY DAY.)

2. The middle:

J. Crew Lightweight Gauze Ruffle Cover-up Dress - $69.50

J. Crew does a very pretty swimsuit, and J. Crew also does a very pretty cover-up. This one is made of gauzy cotton so it's easy to wear on the beach. And since it's also fully lined, it can be easily worn off the beach as well. I just ordered this one in "soft seashell" because my name is Chloe and I have a bit of a dress addiction problem. I'm not planning to be on a beach, or anywhere near a beach (except we're going "camping" in Wyoming in June and my friends swear up and down there's a beach in Wyoming and I think they're trying to trick me with this camping thing, I'm not buying it), but I ordered it anyway. Even if I do only wear it on this "beach" while "camping" in "Wyoming", in "June", I will proudly prance around while shrieking " WYOMING-IANS, EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT!" If you guys are anywhere near Wyoming, run far. Far away. I will post pics as soon as I get it.

3. And the cheap:

American Eagle Tiered Dress - 39.50

Ignoring the fact that the model above looks like she is in the middle of an exorcism, American Eagle is upping the dress ante this year with plenty of fun frocks. While they are all quite darling, the tiered dress is my favorite. Not only is it cute (the shape of the dress...well, gives me a shape!) but it's made out of a soft jersey that is swingy and oh-so-comfy. The dress comes in two other beach-worthy shades (blue and pink) and the fabric is also substantial enough that while the dress isn't lined, you can easily wear this out and about and not feel naked. You won't be seeing anything you shouldn't be seeing through the fabric- it's the perfect dress both on the beach and off. Or to wear while you're having an exorcism. So accommodating and adaptable, this dress. I love it!

4. And then there is me:
In the American Eagle Tiered Dress!

Just a quick shot in the mirror. Yay go me. And if you like this dress too, I will offer a bit of sizing help- I typically wear a size 0 in AE bottoms and a size small in tops (I'm long-torsoed and like the extra coverage of a size small top from AE). The XS in this dress fits perfectly!

So how about you guys? Have any swimsuit cover-up likes? Dislikes? Favorites? Hates? Share them in the comments!

#1 On Chloe's Must-Have List For Summer 2009: A Cute Bathing Suit

A Cute Bathing Suit

Now, I don't swim. Chlorine freaks me out. Kids pooping (and barfing and peeing and whatever else kids tend to do in projectile motions) in the pool freaks me out. And you guys can say BLAH BLAH BLAH OH CHLOE IT IS FINE YOU BIG BABY but you know what? I WORK IN A FACILITY THAT HAS A POOL AND I KNOW WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN THERE AND IF YOU KNEW WHAT WENT DOWN THERE YOU WOULD ALSO BE SCARED TO SWIM. Or you'd at least think about covering yourself completely in saran wrap and a swim cap before diving in.

And, well...I don't really sit next to a pool. The fact that I cannot be in the sun has really sucked most of the fun out of my life and you know, you should all feel very sorry for me. HOWEVER, I do understand the importance of having a cute bathing suit....even if you only wear it inside the house. To give the dogs a bath. Here are my choices:

1. The high-end:

Juicy Couture Shirred Halter Bikini - $177

Spending close to $200 on a swimsuit is a little nuts, but worth it when it comes to Juicy Couture swimwear. Every single time I'm in a Juicy Couture store I go straight to the swimwear so I can touch it and feel it and maybe even purr at it (which, by the way, is a good way to get salesclerks to completely ignore you, if you only talk to them in a serious of clicks and purrs). The fabric Juicy Couture uses for their swimwear is unbelievably soft, thick, and drapes beautifully. There is a swimsuit, and then there is a swimsuit. Juicy Couture makes one lean, mean, gorgeous swimsuit.

2. The middle:

J. Crew Solid Petal Bandeau Tank - $80

This tank is not only unbelievably pretty (which I never thought I would say about a tank suit, excuse me while I go run off to go into convulsions and die) but functional, especially if you're hankering to swim around like the beautiful bathing beauty Ester Williams. This tank makes me want to don a pretty head dress and swim in a swimming pool full of synchronized swimmers and water lilies with a live jazz band and orchestra playing right next to us. What? Come on, you don't ever do that? Joking aside, as much as I love J. Crew's swimwear designs I do have one gripe: get some padding in those suits, J. Crew. Srsly. I do not enjoy having the entire swimming pool seeing my nipples, especially when I plunk down almost $100 for a suit. Harrumph.

3. And the cheap:

Mossimo Black Stripe Bikini - $40

If Target knows one thing, it's this: Target knows how to do cheap, and how to do cheap well. This also applies to do their swimsuits. Not only do they come out with a plethora of patterns and designs each year, but most cost a squeak under $40. $40! They fit well, most are padded properly (HEAR THAT J CREW?), and they're cheap.

4. And then there is me:

And because I promised, here are pics of me in my bathing suit (Kenneth Cole top, J. Crew bottoms) last year in St. Thomas, for the 2 nanoseconds I ventured out into the sun:

I like the faces Husband is making in these. And I kind of miss being a blonde. Hmm.

So how about you guys? Have any bathing suit likes? Dislikes? Favorites? Hates? Share them in the comments!

Chloe's Summer Must Have List for 2009: An Introduction.

Days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, and the anemic-looking daffodils at the end of our driveway are perking up and almost ready to bloom. Stupid Asshole Neighbor (whom I regretfully have not discussed yet on this blog, you guys are missing out) has reappeared from his migration to wherever-it-is that he goes and has been outside spit-polishing his stupid Porsche Boxster every single day for the past week straight. This can only mean one thing:

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE YAAAY.

Man, I love spring and summer. Not only is it easy fashion (airy basics, a bit of statement jewelry, a few cotton or jersey dresses and I'm set!) but it's much more affordable than fall and winter fashion. Fall and winter is dark and heavy; full of bulky layers and coats and boots to match. And of course since you are always in coats and boots here in the winter time, you have to have different coats and different boots so it doesn't feel like you're wearing the same god damn thing all the god damn time. Right? Right. Sometimes I total up how much I've spent on my outfit in my head, and in the winter time it can easily go over a thousand bucks (not including my purse).

But not with spring! Not with summer! Throw on a tank, a necklace, a skirt, and some pretty sandals and voila- you are set. Total outfit cost? As little as $40, $50 some days. Again, not including my purse. Duh.

So to celebrate the upcoming summer months I have decided to take my blog in a different route over the course of this next week- I am going to discuss what I'm going to (possibly) be buying this summer. Or what I've already bought. Or what I'm going to try on 54 times in the dressing room and stand in front of the mirror for two hours while I anxiously contemplate if I really should buy it.

Each day I will break it down with one category , and I will have a "high", "medium", and "low" price category. I will post my selection, why I chose that selection, and maybe even a few pictures of myself modeling the goods.

And of course I'd love to hear back from you guys- what will you be buying and/or wearing this spring? What is the one thing you simply can't live without in the summer months?

A drum roll, please. Summer is around the corner, yay! I am dancing my happy dance right now, even as I type this. You can't see me, but I am. And we've discussed this before but for those of you catching up- it resembles the Hammer Dance. With a bit of jazz ands thrown in. And maybe some baton twirling, but only if the batons are on fire.

Here goes!

The Bag of Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chips...

...said to "BAKE WITH THE VERY BEST". So I did. I reached into my cabinet and got out a bag of Ghiradelli semi-sweet chocolate chips instead.

(Oooh, burn.)

After, I crumbled it up and put it on my ice cream:

And then I put it in my belly. And it was awesome. And it was amazing. And that was my cold, rainy Sunday in a nutshell. The end.




P.S. - Anybody catch Tough Love tonight? I am relieved that Steve sent Arian packing. It was quite disappointing to see Arian's mom laugh at (and therefore encourage) her daughter's mortifiyingly inappropriate and risky behavior- Arian's mom needs to be her mom, not her stupid BFF bestie. Or as Taylor (who I've decided is OH-EM-GEE freaking brilliant, not something I ever thought I'd say) noted quite wisely- the Arian apple doesn't fall far from the mom tree. If I behaved that way and then told my mom I behaved that way, my mom would disown me. Wait, wait, wait. First she would disown me. Then she would kill me. Hard.

Thank You For Being A Friend.

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you have probably heard that the legendary Bea Arthur passed away today at the age of 86. Which really bums me out because I've been waaaay way way into the Golden Girls lately (I somehow manage to squeeze in Golden Girls marathons off the Hallmark Channel into my Obscenely Awful Trashy Reality TV Watching Schedule, quite impressive no?). I was just watching a few episodes of Golden Girls last night even!

And now this. Golden Girls shouldn't be allowed to die. You hear that, Betty White? You listening, Rue McClanahan? YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO DIE. NO DYING ALLOWED, EVER.

I didn't cry over news of Bea's passing when I found out this morning, though. And I cry over everything. Oprah makes me cry. Toilet paper commercials make me cry.

Nope, I didn't cry over Bea Arthur's death. I didn't cry, that is, until I logged on to Perez Hilton tonight.

And let me just say this- I am not sure why I read Perez. I can't stand the guy and I think he's the most obnoxious dweeb alive. But let's be honest, I'm as easily entertained as the rest of us and I must get my celeb gossip from somewhere. His format is the easiest to read. A quick scroll down the site and a few random drawings of male genitalia later, I have my celeb gossip for the day. Easy peasy thank you Perez.

So I didn't actually cry until tonight, until I fearfully clicked on the "comments" under his post about Bea Arthur's passing. Everybody knows that Perez Hilton commenters tend to be the rudest of the rude and the foulest of the foul. Bad apples, they are. I readied myself for the absolute worst with the comments under Bea's passing, given the site I was on and the type of people it typically attracts. Bea would be an easy person for these awful people to abuse and scorn, I figured, given her tall stature and gravelly low voice. If the idiots on the internet thought they were brilliant for posting, "RHIANNA IS A SLUTTY STUPID UGLY HO AND TOTALLY DESERVED IT", I dreaded to see what they'd have to say about Bea's passing.

Well.

Well.

272 comments and not a single mean one in the bunch. There is nothing but love for this woman, even on Perez. That really says something. Somebody should really contact the newspaper- Bea Arthur was so awesome that everyone loved her. Even the awful people. Even that dweebbag jerkfart Perez Hilton.

And that, my friends, makes me cry.

(I know- it's bizarre. Right up there with Oprah. And the toilet paper commercials. And did I mention ugly babies? Ugly babies make me cry, too. I can't help it. It's a knee-jerk reaction.)

I told Husband to brace himself for the day Betty White dies. That will be a national day of mourning. I've already decided that I will take the day off from work and drape myself in black for days. Weeks, even. Maybe months!

(Then again, black really isn't my color. Perhaps I should rethink this. Rose liked soft pastels. So perhaps, when Betty White dies, I will drape myself in soft, floral pastels! And shoulder pads! And it will be awesome! Sad still, definitely...but awesome!)

Anyway. I decided to cross post this video of Bea (with the equally brilliant Estelle Getty) from Jezebel only because it is so hysterically god damn funny.

RIP Bea, you brilliant shining star. And enjoy:

A TV Recap From This Week, Oh Boy.

Let me get a few things off my chest here, darling readers. First, I would like to apologize for making such an asinine and mundane blog post. I realize I'm going out on a limb with this one- bear with me.

I had a rough week, you see. A really rough week. I have been in a fog. A haze. A flare. I am tired. So, so, so tired. This is a tiredness that goes beyond that, "Boy, if only I could beat the crap out of my alarm clock and get one extra hour of sleep!" feeling. This goes waaaay beyond that. This is a tiredness that sinks deep down and refuses to budge. It's like everything is full of cement- my arms, my legs, my head. I find myself putting Petunia in the washer and my dirty clothes in Petunia's crate and I can't think straight, I can't do anything, I just want to sleep.

Then my wireless gave out. I have a wireless card from Sprint, you know, the "most dependable 3G soon to be 4G" network out there? I'm sure you've seen the commercials since they've been playing them on repeat on almost every single channel for the past two weeks, rubbing salt into my wounds. If you've been living in a cave and somehow haven't seen these commercials, you can see it right here:



Hardy har har har. Sooooo dependable, that Sprint. I really want to know where my cameo is, you know, at the very end where it says, "And one Chloe in Colorado CAN'T GET ON HER GOD DAMN INTERNET FOR THREE GOD DAMN DAYS STRAIGHT BECAUSE THERE'S A GOD DAMN SATELLITE OR A WIND GUST OR A SOLAR FLARE OR PENGUINS DANCING ON AN ICE CAP IN ANTARCTICA MUCH LIKE THEY DO IN THE CLASSIC DISNEY MOVIE MARY POPPINS OR WHATEVER DUMB EXCUSE WE ARE GOING TO GIVE HER".

Sprint, call me. I'm ready to make my TV Commercial acting debut. I'm going to be awesome!

(I do tend to blog way ahead of myself, so at least there weren't any big gaps around here. Bet you guys didn't know that, hm!)

And then there was a random dental mishap Thursday night that left me shaking Husband awake at 3 in the morning and him groggily asking me if we need to...if we need to...what do we need to do? He later told me he was going to ask me if we needed to go to the ER but then thought better of it, which was a wise move. Unless they consider me losing a crown and looking like a fucking hillbilly to be an emergency (it is, right?) I think they would have laughed and turned us away. I had to instead wait for the dentist to squeeze me in Friday before work, spending most of my day catching glimpses of myself with my missing tooth in the mirror and stuck in some bizarre foggy cloud of wanting to laugh, wanting to panic, wanting to cry, and wanting to put my head down to sleep.

After that I was numb. Literally. Novocaine, it is wonderful.

There are worst things in the world than this crap so...whatever. I've made peace with the fact that I will be putting all of our dentist's children through college and that I will have these random bouts of tiredness and that hey, some weeks are just going to suck like this. And the most important thing is that I have a Husband that loves me, two chihuahuas to cuddle with (as long as I don't accidentally run them through the spin cycle), and a good life in spite of this crap.

Crappy days weeks happens, that's life. Blah blah blah whatever.

(I think motivational speaking is my true calling. I give the greatest pep-talks everrrr.)

So. Back to this mundane little blog post. And that leads me to the second thing I want to get off my chest: during my week of sleeping (and forgetting my food in the microwave and Kitty in the closet and Petunia in the...well, I rescued her from the washer before I actually turned it on, okay?) and not being able to get online I realized something: Husband and I spend an obscene amount of time watching really random and really dumb reality TV shows. We have our Tough Love date night on Sunday nights (also: Rock of Love Bus, which is now over, but soon to be replaced by Daisy of Love OMG YAY). There's I Love Money 2 on Monday nights, Real Housewives of NYC on Tuesday nights, Make Me a Supermodel on Wednesday nights, Millionaire Matchmaker on Thursday nights. I told you- obscene.

We spend a lot of our life watching other people's lives. I have no idea what this says about us. And you're right- I don't want to know.

So I have decided to give a brief recap of what we watched this past week. An essay, if you will. A report. Ahem:

Tough Love (VH1)- Does anyone watch this one? If you do, yay. If you don't, YOU SHOULD. IT IS AWESOME. I love this show. LOVE IT! But why has Taylor suddenly become the voice of reason and is acting relatively normal? It's like Oh-Em-Gee, we've totally entered the Twilight Zone. I'm scared.

Rock of Love Bus Reunion (VH1)- Oh Mindy. Wipe those tears, you little country bumpkin, and move along. Bret chose Taya in all of her oddly-shaped eyebrow glory. It's bizarre, yes, but love is bizarre. Especially love that's broadcast on national TV.

I Love Money 2 (VH1): Oh these people. These sad, sad, sad people. That's all I got.

Real Housewives of NYC (Bravo): I can pretty much sum up this dud of an episode with this sentence: Roller Girl tells Kelly to kiss her ass and skates backwards and away down a dark, NYC street. End scene. Amazing.

Preview of Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo): Okay, I have an honest question here: why do these women keep signing up for this crap? Wait! Don't answer. I know why they keep signing up for this crap. Maybe I want to know why I keep watching this crap. Most alarming of this bunch is Danielle, who appears to have a very lucrative career in working out all day and maybe not eating. Girl has a banging body, but it also kind of scares me. Her only real claim to fame is being the first woman in New Jersey to have a black AmEx card. Quite an accomplishment, and of course she doesn't have it any more 'cuz her hubby divorced her. Hopefully her next boyfriend will propose sans ring (and instead with another black AmEx) and all will be well again in her world.

Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo): I gave up on ANTM long ago, probably around season 4 when I realized Tyra didn't just wear the Supermodel Pants, but the Crazy Pants as well. Tyra wears the Crazy Supermodel with a Reality TV Show that Produces Winners That Really Don't...Seem To Really Do...Anything Pants. (Oh! Except marry Peter Brady and pose in Playboy. Hooray?)

So when Bravo announced last year it was going to have its own model show I was super duper excited because I love Bravo (Project Runway! Real Housewives!). And...after watching a few episodes, I was super duper sorely disappointed. It just wasn't that interesting, even with it being a "coed" modeling competition, and my excitement faded shortly after the first few episodes.

Bravo has upped the ante for Season 2, however, and it's been pretty entertaining so far. Models that win their photo challenges get to go on "go sees" to different designers, where they have the chance to walk on runways, pose for pictures, and/or just generally gallivant around in really glamorous, gorgeous garments for whoever wants to watch. Catherine Malandrino? Sure! Miss Sixty? Why not!

I was a bit disheartened to see Salome have such a difficult time with Elie Tahari this week, though. Maybe not difficult; more like lukewarm. She didn't know who he was and she couldn't pronounce his name.

Come on, it's Elie Tahari. SHE was meeting RORY TAHARI, ELIE'S WIFE. HE DESIGNS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES WITH HER IN MIND!!

I KNOW THIS AND I AM FROM SOUTH DAKOTA. SOUTH DAKOTA!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!11111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Don't give us any of that Mennonite bullshit, Salome. Come on. Everybody knows South Dakota is like the state version of a Mennonite Colony and we barely have running water there and whenever someone asks me where I'm from and I say, "South Dakota." they say, "Oh, Fargo is nice." and I have to be all, "Wrong state, I said South Dakota." and they're all, "Huh? Did you say something? Was it nice growing up in Minnesota?" and I'm like "...never mind."

So if I know who the hell Elie Tahari is Salome, god damnit, you should know too.

That always burns me, when these people sign up for these shows with no research done beforehand. It's like the dumbasses that used to go on Fear Factor and were scared of eating bugs and would spaz out and not do it.

Guess what? IT'S FEAR FACTOR! You're going to eat bugs if you sign up to be on Fear Factor! Don't act like this is a huge shock! Seriously! Watch the show before you get the grand idea to sign up for it!

(Speaking of bad reality TV shows. See? I watch 'em all, folks!)

So guess what, Salome? Guess what, Colin? You're on Make Me A Supermodel! Why? Because you want to be a supermodel! You're not going to have to eat bugs (too many calories, I think) but you better damn well know how to emote, you better know how to manipulate your facial expressions, you should also know how to walk down a runway, and OH. You better damn well know how to pronounce "Tahari". Not "Tahini". Tahari.

End rant. That being said, I think Salome is so so so pretty and I hope she wins and I always want to squish her cheeks and play with her cute pixie hair. La la la la la.

Millionaire Matchmaker- Love this. That's all I've got.

Okay, that ends it from me. I promise to have more exciting stuff to post next week. Promise!

Another Conversation.

(via IM, 'cuz that's the way we roll around here)


Chloe said (11:23 PM)
Oh noes, I've been summoned for jury duty!

Mom said (11:23 PM):
oh nice. do you know when?

Chloe said (11:24 PM):
In a month. It says.

Mom said (11:24 PM):
did they send you a questionnaire to fill out? a phone number to call? a website?

Chloe said (11:24 PM):
I have to contact them after 4pm the business day before my appearance. More info will follow then.

Chloe said (11:25 PM):
This sounds so important. AND OH SO MYSTERIOUS.

Chloe said (11:25 PM):
What do I do on a jury?

Chloe said (11:26 PM):
AND DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME AND MY SOUTH DAKOTA PUBLIC SCHOOL EDUCATION I seriously don't know?

Mom said (11:27 PM):
well, you show up

Chloe said (11:29 PM):
Hold on, our passive-aggressive asshole of a mailman shoved a box into our mailbox that I can't get back out so I'm going to go take a bat to it

Mom said (11:29 PM):
don't do that

Chloe said (11:29 PM):
Okay I've got a big knife I'll be right back

Mom said (11:30 PM):
ok.

Mom said (11:35 PM):
being a juror is easy.

Mom said (11:35 PM):
no big deal at all.

Mom said (11:36 PM):
and maybe you'll even know the person on trial so you don't have to do it

Mom said (11:36 PM):
and they will let you go

Mom said (11:42 PM):
chloe?



I like how it's 11:30 at night and I'm out wandering around outside in the dark with a knife and a baseball bat to play mailbox ninja while my mom thinks absolutely nothing of it and instead continues to chatter on and insinuate that I hang with criminals.

This probably explains a lot about me.

LOVE YOU MOM!


(No sarcasm- I do. Because I know you read this. And you're funny. And I don't hang with criminals. Unless, that is, you count Husband, who had to do a brief stint of community service at a Bingo Parlor when he was 16 for reasons in which he absolutely refuses to divulge. I am dying for the deets and he won't tell; but whatever went down at that Bingo Parlor fifteen years ago completely thwarted his criminal path and scared him straight for the rest of his life. So I promise that I don't really hang with criminals. I also promise that I am still not exactly sure what I am supposed to do on a jury. But I did get my stuck box out of the mailbox YAY!)

I Could Also Never Be a Juror.

While we are discussing things I could never do (like Twittering and faking an English accent and giving birth and see below) I would also like to say that I could never be a juror. Because I am a Libra and true to Libra fashion I am horribly indecisive and I cannot even choose what I want to wear half the time; let alone where I want to eat, what I want to eat, and when I want to eat it so obviously I should not be in charge of deciding some poor criminal's fate when I will just be sitting with the rest of the jury twiddling my thumbs and not paying attention and day-dreaming about my dinner choices and the fact that I will be completely enveloped in anxiety-induced panic as soon as the clock strikes 5 (or 6 or 7 or whenever it is I decide to eat) when I have to choose between Red Robin, Quiznos, and/or, GAAAASP, eating at home.

I am terribly indecisive. And I am hoping they will buy this excuse next month when I show up for Jury Duty. I am sure they will buy this excuse and excuse me right away; they will not want me and my pretty little indecisive head to be any part of the judicial system.

Yup.

Sure of it.

Maybe.

I hope.

Well...I'm not sure.

We'll see?

OKAY.

I'm typically not a fan of Urban Outfitters but this dress is too pretty for words.

I Could Never Twitter.

You know why? Because I could never fit everything I had to say into 140 characters or less.

I know this may come as a shock to you all, but there it is.

(Ironically, I think this is the shortest post I've ever made in the history of my blog. I MUST...NOT...SUCCUMB...TO...THE PRESSURE!!)

(And yes, I am yell-talking and waving my arms around as I say that. How did you know?)

(I've invented a new word: jerkfarts. Jerkfaces is way overused and jerkheads has been around forever. Jerkfarts is much more appealing. I'm going to say this often. While yell-talking and waving my arms around and not twittering.)

(I refuse to say "tweeting" because only jerkfarts use words like "tweeting". Ha ha! Ha! See?)

(748 characters!)

(I can't sleeeeeeeeep.)

Okay L'oreal I Give Up. You Win You Win You Win.

So once upon a time, a long long lonnnnnng time ago, I had an awesome self-tanner. It was AWESOME. Really! It was. It was so awesome that I even went away on my wedding/honeymoon to HAWAII and when I came back everybody was all, "OMG! YOU LOOK AWESOME AND SOOOO TAN!" and I was all, "HA HA I KNOW BITCHES, I SPENT 2 NANOSECONDS IN THE GLORIOUS HAWAIIAN SUN AND MOST OF MY ENTIRE HONEYMOON SWATHED IN 109 LAYERS OF CLOTHING, TWO SUNHATS, AND FIVE PAIRS OF SUNGLASSES!" and they were all, "GASP, NO WAY!" and then I was all, "WAY!" and then they were like, "Man, you're kind of lame. Who goes to Hawaii and doesn't go in the sun? What kind of honeymoon is that? But nice tan!"

My nice tan was a fake tan. Fake fake fake! And nobody knew it. Until I told them. Because I'm kind of spazzy that way.

(I will say that Husband didn't fair nearly so well on our Hawaiian honeymoon and I laughed at him sooooo hard while I forced him to apply aloe vera to his own super-sunburnt-self, which is always a great way to start a marriage. I hope you're taking notes here.)

My glorious Hawaiian tan didn't come from the sun. Nope. My glorious Hawaiian tan came from none other than L'oreal. It was the L'oreal Sublime Bronze tanner, found for $8 a bottle (or sometimes buy one, get one free) at any Target, Safeway, or WalGreens. And like I said, it was awesome.

(Ignoring the fact that L'oreal tests on animals. Also, gosh, I can't wait for the day I meet a Sublimely Bronzed bunny with Carbon Black Voluminous eyelashes!)

So everything was fine in my world until one day, one awful day, L'oreal decided to do something really mean to me. And I mean really mean. L'oreal decided to ruin my life.

L'oreal decided to change the formula.

I remember blinking a few times and peering cautiously at the tube the day I realized something was amiss. The packaging looked suspiciously the same as my old self-tanner except for the cheerful "NEW!" in the corner. And blah blah blah something about being "improved".

I was skeptical, wondering how L'oreal could possibly improve on perfection. This stuff was already perfect! It didn't need any improvement! The color was a lovely believable brown, the formula didn't rub off on clothing (and if it did, it washed right out!), the tan didn't flake off in big patches making me look like I had some sort of funky skin disease. I could find it in almost any store on the face of this earth, and I could find it for cheap. It was perfect. PERFECT!

Yeeeeah. You know what? I was right! The jerks at L'oreal couldn't improve on perfection! But you know what they could do? They could take a perfectly good bottle of self-tanner and completely ruin it.

And they did.

The new (quick drying!) formula was orange. Orange. Not tan, not brown, but orange. It glided onto my skin and dried in about 2 nanoseconds, making it quick drying and completely impossible to rub in. And the glitter, ohmygod the glitter. Suddenly the new formula had enough glitter in it to make me look like a fucking disco ball. No wait! A fucking disco ball that got attacked by the fucking glitter ninja.

And if you've never met the fucking glitter ninja, you don't want to. I'm telling you this right now. I think the fucking glitter ninja is one of the rejected Oompa Loompas, you know, the one that didn't make it into Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory because HE WAS TOO FUCKING GLITTERY. And I think it's fairly common knowledge that glittery midgets never show up well on camera.

Awful, just awful. L'oreal ruined my self-tanner. THEY. RUINED. IT.

That was two years ago. Since then I have been searching high and low for an adequate replacement to my beloved (old formula) Sublime Bronze. I've tried it all and I've hated it all. I really have. I'm not joking here, I'm being serious. Husband thinks I have some sort of self-tanner hoarding problem, except I buy bottles and use them once (or twice), give up, and discard them in a big heap with the rest of the sucky self-tanners I've tried once or twice and given up on. I am never quite sure what to do with these bottles. Throw them away? Donate them to the homeless so they can have a sun-kissed, bronzey glow? Let the kids at work use them for fingerpainting?

Nothing is the same! Nothing even comes close.

I have tried the $40 bottles and the $4 bottles; the bottles you find in expensive salons and the bottles you find with an inch of dust on them in the corner of WalGreens. I have tried everything and I cannot find a good replacement to what I've lost. I cannot find a good replacement for my (old formula) L'oreal Sublime Bronze. It's really sad, you guys. It is. The Sublimely Bronzed L'oreal test bunnies with Carbon Black Voluminous eyelashes are crying for me, except maybe it isn't any big deal because L'oreal was kind enough to use the waterproof mascara for this particular testing. I hope.

I had almost given up and given into my naturally pale, anemic-looking ways until I found this a few weeks ago at Target:

And I decided to give L'oreal one more shot. The "NEW" sticker in the corner rehashed my old feelings of panic and despair (much like Pavlov's dogs I also now salivate when I see 'NEW' on something tremble in fear over the misfortune the word "NEW" has brought me) but it's not like I had anything to lose.

(Except my pasty, pale skin. Ba-dum-bum-crash! That's the drum noise I make when I say something not very funny but I expect you to laugh anyway. LAUGH, MINIONS! LAUGH!)

So I bought a bottle. And surprisingly, I think I kind of like it.

It's not a replacement for what I had, but it's at least heading in the right direction. The color is a nice, believable brown- not orange. The formula is still quick drying (so you need to move fast!) but doesn't wear off strangely or make me look like I have a funky skin disease. The bronzer gives my skin a fresh, deep looking tan.

The only drawback is the glitter. It still has enough glitter in it to make me look like the fucking glitter ninja attacked me.

And what is with the glitter, L'oreal? Do you think glitter is fun? Do you think you need to put a little fun into my life, for those days I trudge off to work and slump through my day? Is the glitter a reminder, a kick in the pants for when I say "Gosh I hate my mundane life but WAIT! I'M COVERED IN GLITTER YAY FUN!"?

Yeah, I don't get it.

So that is it from here, darlings. It looks like I have finally found a replacement. It meets most of my criteria (easy to find, cheap, readily available, doesn't smell like a pina colada has barfed on me) and the color is decent. I am nearly out of the original bottle I bought and I am now seriously contemplating going out and buying another.

It's a very big day in my world today; a very big day indeed. Now if you will excuse me. I have some Sublimely Bronzed Glitter-filled test bunnies with Carbon Black Voluminous Waterproof eyelashes to find and thank.

(I shouldn't make fun of animal testing, I know. Shame on me. But speaking of things I should make fun of, why are Alex and Simon suddenly beginning to grow on me? Is it 'cuz Kelly is now the Queen of Crappyness on that show?)

Troubling Tuesday.

I've got nothing today except I really feel that I very much need this dress:

Because sometimes I am drawn to things that are just so beyond god awful and I simply can't explain it. Why do I need a hot pink dress with a lace and a big fat bow on the front? It's like asking why flowers need the sun. Or why Brett Michaels needs to wear a wig. Or why Spencer needs Heidi.

I just need it, okay? I just do.

(I think I need it for baking cupcakes. It could be my cupcake baking dress! Okay, I'm gonna stop now.)

Dear Person on Ebay Using My Pictures:

It had always been my dream to one day be a model. But I was never good enough. Something about being nearly a foot too short, they said. Something about not quite having what it takes.

"What about hand modeling?" I asked.

"Um, with those stumps? Not quite." they said.

"Foot modeling! I could be a foot model!" I cried.

"Honey, no. No no no no no no." they said.

"A headless J. Crew model on Ebay?" I finally asked, my voice resigned in defeat. "I do some pretty fierce posing in my Astrid Bouclé."

"THAT'S EXACTLY IT!" they cried. "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED! WE'LL SIGN YOU IMMEDIATELY!"

So thank you. Thank you for making my dreams finally come true. I am flattered. I am humbled. Finally my big dreams have been recognized: my dreams and aspirations of being a size 0 headless J. Crew model.

XOXOXO,
Chloe



P.S. This totally now frees up my time to conquer my next brave conquest- to be the last person on the face of this earth to Twitter. And to sit on my butt while not having any babies and not twitter about sitting on my butt and not having any babies. There would be some bon-bon eating in there too, except I'm not a big fan of chocolate and I'm not quite sure what bon-bons really are. HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA oh that's me, always aiming high.

A Conversation.

I have blogged before about how Darling Husband isn't a fan of technology. He still gets phone numbers out of that big, blocky, heavy thing with a lot of pages that I use to prop open doors and windows (oh what? a phone book? is that what that is?) and movie times out of the newspaper. Movie times! Out of the newspaper, for Christ's sake! WHO GETS NEWSPAPERS ANYMORE?!

(I will take this moment to point out that Husband is five years older than me and was on the very cusp of modern computer technology when he was in school. And he can at least type properly, thank goodness, using all 10 fingers. Whew.)

He fumbles his way through the internet world the best he can, mainly lurking on football internet forums and message boards. "You know what I hate?" he said one day out of the blue. "THIS. I hate it when people respond to a message on a message board with 'THIS'. I mean, what the fuck is 'THIS'?"

I understand completely, darling. I do. "THIS", the answer of (I imagine) asthmatic, overly-enthusiastic fussbudgets (with retainers) that can't wheeze out more than a one-word response of agreement. That's what "THIS" is, I told Husband, I'm sure of it.

"Fussbudgets, eh?" Husband said.

"Thesaurus.com." I said, proudly.

"They have a thesaurus on the internet?" Husband asked incredulously, eyebrow raised.

"They do," I answered, "Buttinsky also popped up, but I find fussbudget more fitting."

"I see." Husband said, a look of contradictory not-understanding clearly displayed on his face. Whenever he says, "I see" I don't think he's really seeing anything. I think it's more of a statement of valid concern, a statement of, "Oh boy, my wife is using the internet as a thesaurus and I therefore wonder what in the heck else she's up to..."

Ha.

One thing Husband and I battle about often is Facebook. You see, I'm on Facebook. He is not. Our conversation about Facebook often goes like this:

Husband: "My brother is now on Facebook. I never thought I'd see the day."

Me: "SEE? YOUR BROTHER IS ON FACEBOOK! YOUR BROTHER! Now you have to join." (the capslock is me shout-talking while flailing my arms around; yes, I do it in real life)

Husband: "Yeah, he said he had no idea what he was doing. His wife had to help him set up his profile."

Me: "I CAN HELP YOU SET UP YOUR PROFILE! I CAN! ME! ME! MEEE! NOW YOU HAVE TO JOIN!"

Husband: "Yeah, we all know what would happen if you helped me set up a profile."

Me: "WHAT. I'd put up a cute picture of you. I would."

Husband: "I've seen your cute pictures of me, no thank you."

Me: "Like the one of you sitting on the cactus?"

Husband: "Like the one of me sitting on the cactus."

Me: "Too bad. I'm already using that as my profile picture."

Husband: "WHAT!!!!"

Me: "See, if you were on Facebook you would have known. It would have said, "Chloe has changed her profile picture" and you would have known it was of you smiling a big smile while a round cactus pokes you in the butt."

Husband: "OH MY GOD, I AM NEVER JOINING FACEBOOK."

Me: "I know. And we can never get married, although I did find a nice guy with your name in Massachusetts, but he's a soccer player. I was going to get married to him on Facebook but I didn't want him to be all 'Who is this lady with my last name in Colorado and why is she getting married to me and why does she have a picture of some dude poking his butt on a cactus?' so I will just have to be sad that I can never get married to you on Facebook and it just says, 'Chloe is married' but it doesn't say to whom I have married and it's sad. Sad. Sad. SAAAAAAAD!"

Husband: "My heart, it bleeds for you."

Me: "You know what your problem is? You don't care. You don't care about your former classmates and what they're doing and oh-my-god that person has a baby and oh-my-god that person was gay?! and you don't want to be able to spy on your friends and family while sitting in the comfortable office of your own home dressed in pajamas with a severe case of bedhead."

Husband: "Yes, you're right. I don't care."

Me: "YOU DISAPPOINT ME. YOU DON'T HAVE A GOSSIPY, MEDDLING, VITRIOL-FILLED BONE IN YOUR BODY."

Husband: "And you're a flibbertigibbet."

Me: "A flibber-ti-what?"

Husband: "A flibbertigibbet. Thesaurus.com."

Me: "Oh fantastic, that's just great. I've created a monster."

Husband: "You have. What's a Twitter?"

Me: "*WAIL*"