"If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess....

...then why can't it get us back out?"

-Will Rogers


Stevie gave me a book lamp as a stocking stuffer for Christmas. Which is awesome- I'm an avid reader and I often like to read before bed, but there's the whole conundrum of having lights on while Husband is trying to sleep. Especially if it's during the week- he works 12 hour days and has to be up by 5 AM, and me declaring that I absolutely must get to the end of whatever novel I'm reading with all of the bedroom lights on, sleep be damned! Well, it's a little inappropriate.

I can be mean, but I'm not that mean. Well, most of the time. Read on.

So I got a book lamp. I decided to give it a test run a few days ago. It was 5 AM, I had awoken at some point and couldn't go back to sleep, and so I decided to do some reading and turned my book lamp on. Light shot out like a little laser beam.

"What is that?" Husband groggily asked, stirring and waking up as his alarm began to buzz.

"A book lamp!" I said.

"A...book lamp? So you can read in the dark?" He squinted at me through the darkness.

"Yes. So I can read in the dark. It's fancy. It swivels and turns and moves up and down." I said, demonstrating. Husband is a little slow when he first wakes up. He is slow in a really cute, sleepy sort of way. I'm just slow in a really mean sort of way when I first fall out of slumber. Chloe Monster, roar.

"Oh. A book lamp." he said, thinking for a few seconds. "That's...that's...that's kind of dorky."

And so that's when, dear readers, I swiveled my super fancy high-powered book lamp. I swiveled it and, oh yes- I beamed him right in the eyeballs.

Best present ever! Thanks, Stevie!

Also, I just finished Fall On Your Knees and I really want to know- how does one come up with such disturbing shit? For fiction? And why does Oprah keep picking it? And most importantly, why do I keep thinking that I'll like a book just 'cuz Oprah liked it? I don't even like Oprah! Oh my god!

Feel Good Friday Part II

Okay, one more thing for all of you photogs/dog lovers. Zoe's Collection is having a sale (through today only!) where if you buy one item (an SLR camera strap, dog collar, lead, harness) you receive a dog collar for FREE! Stevie loves their stuff (she has both an SLR strap and numerous collars for her pups) and told me about the special today. I contacted the seller and she said it's fine to extend the offer to my blog readers.

Simply purchase one of the items. For example, this camera strap:

(which is the one I bought, hee hee)

And then send Randi an email (zoescollection@gmail.com) with your choice of free collar and size for the collar:

(Kitty is going to look ravishing in this)

And that's it!

(Item purchased must be equal or lesser value than the Free collar. Also, free item does not include nickel buckle, nickel buckle choice must be added on checkout.)

Please mention that you saw this deal on my blog, and again- it's only good through midnight EST tonight. It's a great deal if you're like me and need a camera strap (I don't have one, eek!)- and I'll always take more collars for Kitty. Prices are reasonable and she has lots of darling designs.

Happy shopping!

Feel Good Friday.

I have been struggling over the past few days to find something to post for FGF. I searched high and low for "happy news" and you know what? There is none. Nothing. Nada. The GDP is shrinking at the fastest rate in 27 years, The Rocky Mountain News (a 150 year old newspaper!) printed its last edition today, some goober has been stealing bottles of expensive balsamic vinegar (Isn't balsamic vinegar the best condiment ever? Wait. Condiment? What is it?) leaving less for the rest of us. Yup, it's a rough world out there today and it's hard to find one small piece of even remotely happy news.

Until I got awoke to my cell phone beeping this morning. I had missed a call from my dad, and he had left a voice mail. Hmm. What could my dad possibly have to say so early on a Friday morning?

My dad is an over-the-road truck driver with (arguably) too much time on his hands. When he isn't sitting in his truck watching Hulu on his laptop, he's thinking of ways to solve the world's problems. Usually his solutions come from listening to news radio on his XM and/or watching Spongebob Squarepants. He usually calls with a rant or just to chatter (my dad is the talker in the family, which makes me feel bad for him, being in a family with three women who are not) or with a tidbit of wisdom from what he's seen on the road.

I flipped open my cell, dialed my voicemail, and listened.

"You won't believe it!" I could hear my dad announce, fuzziness of the road and a loud semi in the background. Obviously this was very exciting news, because he skipped any sort of formal greeting. "I just passed by the McKay Events Center, which is in Orem, Utah near Salt Lake, and Vanilla Ice is playing there tonight with MC Hammer. One night only. Hammer Pants and Ice, $29. Ice ice baby! Taaaalk to you laaaater!"

Hm. Well, I'll be darned. If MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice can stop, collaborate and listen...then maybe things aren't so bad in this world. You know?

Happy Friday, you lucky denizens of Orem, Utah! And Happy Friday, blog world! It's going to be a good day!

Oh! And some updates.

You might have noticed (or maybe not, I don't blame you) that I got rid of the sidebar links to my tags/labels. It was taking up unnecessary room, I felt, and you can simply click on the tag under the heading if you want to read more in any given category.

This will also allow me to put up more amusing labels, such as "Sometimes I Say mean Things And I Don't Know Why" and "It's About Moral Character!"

If you watched the Real Housewives Reunion on Tuesday night, you know what I'm talkin' about. I was going to make a post about it, but really that gem of a line from Tamra is all I need to quote. It's about moral character. She should win a fucking award for that one. Because if there is one person who is all about exuding moral character, it's Tamra Barney. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Haaaaaa. I know I made a small threat to not watch the RHOC after this season, but I was only bluffing. After Tamra pulled that crap out of her butt during the reunion, I can't give it up! Come on season five, WOOHOO!

Anyway. I also updated my playlist with some Pinback, which has been a perennial favorite of mine for awhile now. They are the awesomeness, check them out. I also had to include Duffy's "Mercy", because it's catchy.

J. Crew also added some more new arrivals to their Spring collection today. I see several things I want, but I am desperately wishing that they will get the Convertible Swing Dress back in stock in "Tawny Olive" in a size XS. I have a trip to Arizona coming up in less than three weeks and I need that dress. NEEEEED! Come on God! Come on J. Crew! Don't listen to the little starving kids in Africa! Answer my prayers! Meeee!

I will take the Rosette-Ruffle Trim Cardigan too, while we're at it.

Enjoy!

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming:

I feel much better. Okay, not really. I feel like I have a bad hangover. I don't understand how someone can get hooked on prescription pain killers. Do you wander around feeling a bad sort of drunk all the time? I also don't understand how people can still listen to a dude yammer on who is was taking them by the handful? I think that speaks a lot for America as a people. I only got two responses to my incoherent rambling down below, and yet Mr. Limbaugh still has a dedicated listening audience. Not that I blame you guys, I just re-read through my verbal spewing from last night and I'm not sure I'd respond to it either.

But! Something is wrong here. I'm obviously not recruiting the right types of listeners. I'm not pandering to the right audience. Instead of blogging about my love affair with J Crew and Nanette Lepore, I need to switch it to Talbots and Brooks Brothers. Time to pander more to the right, because they'll obvious listen to anything anyone has to say, no matter how they say it, Bobby Jindal.

(I'm just poking fun. I'm married to a republican. Ya'll know that, right? And my father-in-law has a signed portrait of Dubya still hanging next to his desk at the office? And one time my father-in-law gave me $1000 to spend in Vegas and I secretly donated half of it to the Obama campaign? Oops. I maybe wasn't supposed to post that.)

Anyway. Back to my post from earlier this month- I ended up ordering a beautiful locket from BirdzNBeez. Here it is!

It is seriously gorgeous. I love all of her stuff- how neat is this bracelet? And this storyteller necklace? Now I just need to work on a quote to place inside. Happy day!

Mmm. Mentholishious.

Staying home sick isn't nearly as much fun when you're an adult. I remember staying home sick from school when I was a kid and it always felt freaking awesome- having the whole day to yourself to watch The Price Is Right and cartoons and to eat grilled cheese sandwiches your mom would make for you...all with not a care in the world!

Yeah. As an adult, it's not nearly as much fun. Bob Barker got old and had to retire and you have to make your grilled cheese sandwich yourself. Oh, and the world sucks. It stupid and it's dumb and it sucks.

So! Not much excitement from here today. Or, um, happiness. I have been having an awful time lately with joint pain/stiffness/hurting all over the freaking place. Remember my post from back in November about gee, not having any arthritis so I didn't know why the fuck I was seeing a Rhuematologist? Well, now I know. Insert foot into mouth. Except I can't, because I'm as stiff as a board and in severe pain. God is laughing at me right now, I just know it.

(And I need to make an appointment with my Rheum again soon so she can hook me up with some elephant tranquilizers to kill me the pain- that's what they do, right? Elephant tranquilizers? Please? I HOPE????)

Absolut Apeach Vodka- the best tranquilizer out there. Not that I speak from experience.

I decided to venture out to Target today to see what I could find in the "pain relieving rubs" aisle. You know- something to temporarily soothe and dull my aches and pains. I've seen the commercials!

And you know that I have to be hurting pretty bad, by the way, when I can't even muster up the energy to look at anything else at Target. I couldn't! No clothes. No jewelry. No shoes. I couldn't even fling myself down the make-up aisle, which is on the way to the pain relieving rubs aisle. I told Husband where I was going and he was so seriously confused when I returned a mere 15 minutes later that I think he thought he was in the Twilight Zone.

So he then drove my car to a bar and proceeded to sit at that bar for three hours and get totally drunk knocking back some bourbon. I think he decided to get shitfaced to soothe his worries that something really must be seriously wrong with me if I didn't spend my usual 2.5 hours at Target today. Yup, I'm sure of it. That Husband of mine, so sweet to worry over me like that.

He said he was meeting a client at the bar, one of their suppliers. But I am sure he wasn't there to have a fun old time "shutting the place down" (FOR THREE HOURS) while not worrying at all about his 27-going-on-85-year-old wife at home. No way! That's not my husband!

Oh, whatever.

I'd be more upset over him driving home drunk (I am upset! Don't get me wrong!) with my car (And he was drunk! He never does that! Oh my god!) but he was then so drunk that he didn't even mind slathering me up in Icy Hot when he got home, which has an odor so strong it just about knocks your freaking socks off. It also makes you smell like a cross between Pepto Bismol and a 75-year old old man. Mmmm, sexy.

And that, my dears, is love: forgiving your usually Super-Ultra-Responsible-Husband (he doesn't even gamble!) for driving your car while inebriated (okay, the bar wasn't even a mile away from our home, but still) as long as he slathers you up in Icy Hot. Lots and lots...and lots...of Icy Hot.

Welcome to Married Life; it is pretty awesome. I did steal his cell phone while he wasn't paying attention (drunkenly stumbling around downstairs, I think) and I programmed it to say "HONEY BUNS" when I call and play a really crude samba. I get my revenge in sneaky ways.

I did get to sit home and catch up on some Real World episodes I had been missing. Nothing very exciting there. I also watched this documentary/report on CNBC about the failing housing market and credit crisis. That was fun times. I like how everybody seems to want to blame someone other than themselves for this mess. I can't decide if I should be impressed or embarrassed over the ineptitude displayed by those in the documentary. And the greediness. Way to go, you chumps. Way to not only ruin the elusive (non-existent) American Dream, but to also rake the Arturo Trevillas and Cynthia Simons of the world over the coals in the meanwhile. Oh yeah, that's right- and don't let me forget butt-fucking the American Taxpayers so they'll have to bail you out. I know that is crass, but eh? If you pay as much into the tax system as Husband and I do yearly, you are allowed to be a little crass sometimes.

Although I do agree with Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones on the first step to solving the global financial crisis. Puppies! Hee hee.

And then I caught the last part of America's Ball Room Challenge on PBS, which was freaking insane. I feel like I understand those shows so much better now that, you know, I've watched a few seasons of So You Think You Can Dance. Yeah! I kind of understand what they're doing! They paso doble'd their asses off!

And it always makes me want to dance. Never mind that I have short legs (because I am short) and the typical rhythm of a Midwest Born White Girl. Which um, means I have none.

*frantically tries yanking on legs to make them longer*

And so now here I am. I accidentally rubbed my eyeball and now my eyeball is tingling. It's that same feeling you get when you accidentally rub your eye after brushing your teeth (and toothpaste somehow makes it into your eyeball. What? This has never happened to you? Oh come on, it has too! Liars!)

My eyeball! It's minty fresh! Yay!

I also might have found some Vicodin that Husband had left over from a surgery. So I might not have my Bob Barker or a grilled cheese sandwich, but I do have some heavy duty painkillers that I popped about 30 minutes before sitting down to type this! My apologies, but hooray for drugs! Maybe this world isn't so bad after all! I'm also pretty sure this is how addictions start! Yay!

Goodnight! Yay!

Wednesday Wants.

There is just one thing that I want for this Wednesday, really:

More pretty, pretty shirts from Rose La Biche!

Okay, and to also reshoot this without my fly being down. Haaaa. Woops.

(Also, to answer questions: the sizing for Rose La Biche shirts is verrry small. She uses the American Apparel Aerobic t's (which are nicely thick and fitted) but I'm wearing a Medium in the Daisy shirt, where as I typically wear an extra small/small in all of my J. Crew tees. I probably could have taken a small in this shirt, but then it would have been uncomfortably clingy around my ribcage and I haaaate that. So a medium = perfect!)

Just A Few Things.

1. Leanne Marshall (of Project Runway Season 5 Fame) posted her Fall 2009 collection on her blog today. I will take it all, please?

2. You can also read a awesome little review of the show over at StyleWhipped.com.

3. The lovely Roxy at Effortless Anthropologie posted a few pics from Leifsdottir's Fall 2009 Collection today. Also pretty! And I also want it all, please. Especially the wicked (yet sure to be heart-attack-inducingly overpriced) hats.

4. How is the economy effecting you? Having to give up your botox? Shasta wants to know- go give your input at her divine blog, Bergdorf Blondes.

5. Jenny over at The Bloggess is seriously one of the funniest blogs I have read in...well, forever. Go! Go!

Husband and I Make Something GREAT!

(No, not babies. We are not making babies! See my post below about my car that has no backseat. It has no backseat for a reason, ahem!)

(Also, the day I got that car was the day my co-workers' hopes of me and Husband having hundreds of cute little babies were dashed and destroyed. That's what happens when you meet your husband at your workplace and they all watch as you run away from him in flirtatious fear, eventually accept a date with him due to their urgings, get engaged a handful of months later once you figure out Husband is super awesome and not like all of those other un-awesome guys, and have more co-workers than family attend your wedding reception. They still hope that I'll pop out a baby and just drive around with it dangerously perched on my lap a la Britney Spears Stylee. I know them.)

So it's no big secret that I lack a certain culinary prowess; I distinctly remember once asking my friend Patty how to brown beef. It was at least 10 years ago- we were in high school, you know, before our dumb teenaged brains could fully understand the overly-processed awfulness that is Hamburger Helper.

"Dude. You don't know how to brown beef?!" I remember her saying. "Everybody knows how to brown beef. It's like...it's like...it's like making ice cubes!"

Well okay! What a nice friend Patty was, assuming that I also knew how to make ice cubes. So now, a full decade later, I still have no idea how to brown beef. I do have a fancy refrigerator that makes ice cubes for me, though; and quite thankfully I've married someone who lives off of red meat. Both of my problems have been solved. Yippee, I'm movin' on up.

Husband and I both understand how much we suck in the kitchen and only attempt the very basic of recipes. Recipes like taking frozen chicken nuggets out of the bag they come in and arranging them artfully on a cookie sheet to cook in the oven for 15 minutes. Recipes like spaghetti (boiled noodles) and meat sauce (out of a jar). Recipes like sending each other out to pick up pizza. And occasionally recipes like the overly-processed awfulness that is Hamburger Helper.

We sometimes do feel like being a bit more brave, however- about once a year. We had the itch a few days ago, and after clicking around a bit on the internet the other day I came across a recipe for Cheesy Lasagna Soup. During our last cooking adventure together (circa December 2007) we made a Hearty Lasagna Soup, and it was while searching for that recipe (to make again) that I found the Cheesy Lasagna Soup.

The Cheesy Lasagna Soup has the same idea as the Hearty Lasagna Soup, but with a few added twists. Both "soups" use ground beef, canned tomatoes, noodles, and a smattering of spices and seasonings. The Cheesy Lasagna Soup had a little more going on- more veggies (the addition of green bell peppers with the onion); more tomatoes (two cans of diced tomatoes, not one); and the addition of cheese and italian seasoned croutons on top. I remember thinking the Hearty Lasagna Soup was "good" but lacking in greatness, so I was hoping the Cheesy Lasagna Soup would be the greatness we were looking for.

I was hoping the Cheesy Lasagna Soup would blow our freaking minds.

And it did. Ohhhhh yes, it did.

The recipe is easy enough to follow; we did end up using almost every single pan in our kitchen because we're kind of dumb and kept switching things around. We also apparently really freaking enjoy paying our water bill and didn't mind that we'd have to run our dishwasher two different times after to clean it all up. Yay, go team!

We browned the beef & veggies (I used a red onion by the way- my favorite) in a frying pan, moving that to boil with the noodles and broth in our big pasta pan, and finally moving it all to a big casserole dish to broil in the oven with cheese and italian breadcrumbs (I didn't think croutons would be as good) on top. I wouldn't change a darn thing.

Here's the recipe. And after the jump, some pictures from the evening:

---

CHEESY LASAGNA SOUP

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 pound lean ground beef
• 1 medium onion, sliced (I like red onions)
• 2 large green peppers, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 2 garlic cloves, finally chopped (I like the squeezable garlic in a tube)
• 2 cups water
• 2 (14-oz) cans of diced tomatoes with italian herbs, undrained
• 1 (6-oz) can of tomato paste
• 2 cups uncooked malfada pasta (I can't find malfada for the life of me so I just used curly noodlies)
• 1 tablespoon packed brown sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons italian seasoning
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1 1/2 cups Italian style croutons (I used italian breadcrumbs instead, it was awesome)
• 1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese (I used a colby mix, it was also awesome)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cook beef, onion, bell peppers and garlic in Dutch oven over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until beef is brown and onion is tender; drain.

2. Stir in water, diced tomatoes and tomato paste. Stir in pasta, brown sugar, Italian seasoning and pepper. Heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cover and simmer about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until pasta is tender.

3. Set oven control to broil.

4. Pour hot soup into 6 ovenproof soup bowls or casseroles. Top each with 1/4 cup croutons. Sprinkle with cheese. Broil soup with tops 3 to 4 inches from heat 1 to 2 minutes or until cheese is melted. (We actually just dumped it into a big casserole dish, covered everything with cheese and breadcrumbs, and broiled it for a few minutes)

5. Eat and enjoy!

The dish itself isn't very soup-like; it is more like a casserole, with just a little bit of broth. Also, do not add more noodles to this. You are going to want to add more noodles. DO NOT DO IT. Two cups is enough, trust me! I also added an extra teaspoon of oregano with the italian seasoning because I love me some oregano. Yum.

---

Who needs a cookbook when you can just Google?


The soup boiling away. It's a very colorful dish.


Husband takes a break as the soup boils to read.



Petunia takes a break as the soup boils to chew on what we call her "baby doll"- a stuffed squeaky squirrel that looks a freakish amount just like her. Cracks me up every time.


Kitty licking her chops, waiting for the soup.


Ta da! It's done! Eat! Enjoy! Yay!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Off to Car Heaven: Say Goodbye to Saturn, Saab, and Hummer

Saturn Stores Await Fate as GM Ponders Options


As a happy driver of a Saturn (a hot ass Saturn, mind you) this just breaks my little heart. My first car was a Saturn (Patty and Stevie remember the Mighty Saturn, which was really a new gold SL2 my parents handed over because they were rightly terrified of what kind of damage Stevie and I would do in an old clunker...) and since then I've been hooked. No other car brand has ever been able to warm my heart in quite the same way.

I have been so hooked on Saturns that even my Foreign Car Loving (Only Audi Driving) Husband couldn't look at any other brand when he wanted to buy me a car back in 2007- he remembered me drooling over Tim Gunn in a Sky Roadster on Project Runway (back when the season winner got a cool car, not an Astra- what a dumb and dorky prize) and my tales of the Mighty Saturn SL2 and that was that. Husband wanted to buy me a Saturn Sky Redline Roadster.

I will never forget the day Husband told me he wanted to buy me a new car and whipped out some pages of paper he had printed off his computer from behind his back with a flourish. Lo and behold, there was a Sky Roadster. I was expecting, you know, a Toyota Corolla or a Honda Civic or something completely practical and reasonable. Boring (and I know I'm going to have a Honda Civic owner argue with me but seriously, soccer moms drive them), practical, and reasonable.

(It's also amazing how two people that apparently don't know each other very well can get so easily married in this day and age, hm?)

Because after all, Husband is the "REASONABLE ONE" in this relationship and why was he thrusting out papers of a convertible at me? A convertible I had been lusting over for a long, loooong time? I was in such shock that the only thing I could muster up to say was, "IT'D BETTER HAVE AN ADUSTABLE STEERING WHEEL AND SEATS" because my current car at the time (a cheap, base model Chevy Cavalier I had bought from my twin sister in my single days, shudddddder) did not. Oh yes, Husband just said he wanted to buy me the car of my sad little dreams and I lectured him about it having power seats.

Way to go, me.

You know- no jumping up and down and screaming and knocking Husband over in excitement. Oh nooo. When in shock I obviously turn into the practical one. Husband dreads the day I accidentally win the lottery and tell the guy handing me the check, while frowning and tapping my foot, that it'd better come in all twenties because I just hate it when people try to spend and get change for fifties or hundreds for a $1 towel rental when I'm at work. If it doesn't come in twenties, I will say while waving my hands around, then I don't want it.

(Husband also said that after my completely underwhelming and bizarre reaction he's never surprising me again. Damnit. But I have to say, I don't blame the poor darling?)

Anyway. My Sky Roadster is my baby. Husband bought it for me as a "Happy Anniversary/Happy Birthday/Hope You Feel Better Soon/I Love You And You Can Never Divorce Me After Buying You A Kick Ass Gift/I'm Going To Rub This In Your Face Forever" gift, because it was right after the time I had begun to get sick and I was frustrated with weekly doctor visits and no answers. Of course, I expect you all to hold your tongues over the fact that I have Lupus and I now have a convertible- but at the time, we had no idea what was happening (they thought at one point I had cancer for fuck's sake and were getting ready to biopsy some lymph nodes). Lupus wasn't even on the radar when Husband handed me the keys.

The irony is pretty amusing considering I can't be out in the sun but have a drop top. Oh well. That is what sun hats are for. Big, floppy, fabulous sun hats so I look like a little old lady in my fast little car. You do what you have to do.

There are only a handful of Sky Roadsters where I live- I gloat with glee when I see people whip their heads to look at my car go past. I preen with pride when I'm filling up at the gas station and someone says, "Say, that's a Saturn?!" It is a Saturn, you sonofabitches. The best car company in North America.

But with troubled times comes bad news. GM is now talking about dropping the Saturn line (but keeping Buick?! Seriously?!!!) which breaks my heart. A spinoff may be in place, but to what extent is currently unknown. I know American car companies have gotten a bad rap over the past decade, but I adore my Saturns. They have been nothing but great cars for me. I adore my Saturns so much that when Husband was looking at Audi RS4's last year for himself (he is due for a new car) I pleaded with him to also look at a Vue and an Aura. He just laughed, patted my head, and told me when it's time to eventually trade my Sky in, I can get whatever little Saturn my heart desires.

Now I may never have that chance. Unless Saturn is sold by 2011, GM will likely drop the line.

Fuck you, you stupid economy. Fuck you. Hang in there, you Different Little North American Car company. Hang in there. *sniffles*

Dorks.

Petunia & Kitty & a toy that Petunia savagely, violently de-stuffed.

Rest in peace, little toy.

RIP.

Outfit of the Day.

An Outfit of the Day:

Jacket: Old J Crew Blazer that is waaay too big (thus the belt)
Top: Blue and green cami from Thakoon for Target
Belt: Forever 21
Jeans: 7FAMK Dojo's
Shoes: Magenta Miss Sixty Rachel Pumps
Purse: J Crew Small Oslo Bag in Dark Peony

I had today off from work but didn't do anything spectacular. I did go to the local Safeway to pick up some sour cream. When I went through the check-out the guy said politely, "Did you find everything okay?"

"Yup." I answered.

"Sour cream and...Hot Tamales?" he inquired, looking down at my two purchases.

"Yup. That's my dinner for tonight." I answered. You know, ha haaaa, being funny.

"Huh? I thought you were married!" he said, craning his neck and looking for my ring. Ohmygod, I see. So only single girls are allowed to eat Hot Tamales and sour cream for dinner? Girls that aren't worthy of a man's love and affection?! Girls that sit also sit alone at night and play Sim City 3000 until 2 in the morning and eat ice cream for breakfast?!!!

Ummm not that I've ever done that. *coughs*

(For the record, I wasn't feeding Husband sour cream and Hot Tamales for dinner. I'm not that crappy of a cook. I am pretty crappy, but not that crappy. I was making fajitas! From a kit! I needed sour cream! Jesus!)

Husband had to give a big presentation/speech/testimony in front of the state Senate today, so I thought we deserved a little celebrating. Fajitas for dinner, yippee! With Hot Tamales for dessert! My Husband, what a lucky guy.

¡Olé!

So You Think You Can Dance Crew.

As a longtime follower of So You Think You Can Dance (or SYTYCD), I keep confusing the name of America's Best Dance Crew with it. So I've made up my own new title for it- So You Think You Can Dance Crew. I think it is pretty awesome and clever, thanks.

This week's challenge on So You Think You Can Dance Crew was "Boys vs. Girls", with the teams each receiving a video to "emulate" that featured a strong male or female lead. With pictures being released today of Rihanna's wounds (and I think I am using the term "wounds" lightly), I was a little bummed when Quest Crew had to dance to Chris Brown's "Forever" and Fly Khicks had to dance to Rihanna's "Pon de Replay".

It made me feel...well, sad. Especially after seeing the newly posted photos of Rihanna on TMZ.com. It really makes me hope that I will wake up tomorrow and see photos of the Jiggaman Jay-Z beating the holy freaking daylights out of Chris Brown. With his Urkel glasses on. I'm all for violence answering violence in this case, especially if it involves Urkel glasses, okay?

Maybe I will haul out my Christmas stocking tonight and quickly write a letter to Santa with my request. I know it's not Christmas, but Santa's a cool guy. And frankly, I just don't get him just working one day a year, especially in this crappy economy. I'm pretty sure if I leave a letter out tonight saying that I want a new puppy ('cuz I want to throw Petunia away) and that I also want Jay Z to beat up Chris Brown, it will happen. It's job security. Don't give me any of that "It's not December 25th" bullshit- we're all having to work a little harder these days. And it always worked when I was a little kid! Make it happen, big guy. I want to see Jay Z deliver a flying karate chop ninja kick to the back of Chris Brown's head. It'll be awesome. Thanks.

Sooo anyway. With only three teams left on So You Think You Can Dance Crew, I'm not sure who I want to win. A very loyal part of me is rooting for Quest Crew because it contains two former members of SYTYCD (Hok and Dominic, yaaay) but the Beat Freaks killed it with this week's performance:

America's Best Dance Crew (Season 3) - MTV Shows

It'll be very interesting to see how it shakes out. I'm excited!

In other TV news- am I the only one that can't stand The Real Housewives of NYC? I really can't stand it. I tried to watch the season premiere tonight and began clenching my teeth so hard I thought I was going to inflict permanent damage. I lasted a whole 43 minutes- as soon as Beady-Eyes-of-Death Ramoner started making idle chit chat spazzing out at Jill's shindig, and then all the other ladies started spazzing out that Ramoner left without saying good-bye (Oh come on, seriously, who the fuck cares! It's Ramona!), I had to turn the channel. Add in the fact that they all sound like Fran Drescher (except Countess LuAnn- she just sounds like an asshole) and I can't even feign interest in these god awful women. Uggggh.

But it's freaking on like Donkey Kong for the RHOC reunion next week. I can't wait!

More Stuff!

My order from beauty.com arrived the other day, along with my (itsy bitsy) order to Jo Malone:

Using a 20% off code from beauty.com and a 25% off code at jomalone.com, I got some oldies but goodies. I am totally excited because I've been on a huge Bliss Labs kick again- the Lemon + Sage Soapy Sap has been a standard shower gel for me for about seven years now. IT SMELLS LIKE LEMON PEZ. You can't get much better than Lemon Pez. I love you Bliss Labs.

I have always been a fan of Bliss Labs' scrubs- I usually get the Rosemary + Eucalyptus Hot Salt Scrub which feels awesome in the cold winter months. It really does heat your skin up! I decided to change things up and try the Super Minty Soap N'Scrub, which is supposed to be great post-workout and "so cool, it literally stops you from sweating". The scrub is very minty (which is great if you have any sinus issues, it clears those suckers right out) and it indeed does foam, which is a nice plus. Most scrubs aren't foamy. I will say that the "minty cool" feeling isn't as noticeable if you use it in the shower; but if you quickly rinse yourself through water, get out of the shower, and then scrub up with it outside of the hot water...holy moly. Be prepared to have your sweat glands scream and shrivel in fear. You might be screaming and shriveling in fear with them. Yowww.

It also leaves your skin nice, soft, and completely devoid of flakes. Two thumbs up from me!

Now on to the self-tanner. L'oreal's Sublime Bronze was my favorite self-tanner ever. Seriously. This stuff was the BEST- it'd provide even coverage with a bit of bronzer and it would fade away evenly (no flaking off in patches so you look like you have a bizarre skin disease, AHEM). I actually used this during our trip and honeymoon to Hawaii. I completely stayed away from the sun and when I got back everybody was all like, "OMG YOU ARE SO TAN YOU LOOK AWESOME" and I was all like "SELF TANNER, BITCHES!" and yeah.

(Then they all looked at me like a spaz because who goes to Hawaii and doesn't lay in the sun? Me, that's who. But I was a very hot, nicely fake-tanned spaz. So there.)

Then L'oreal changed the formula.

And ruined my life.

MY LIFE! THEY RUINED IT! L'OREAL CHANGED MY SELF-TANNER AND RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!11111111

The new formula is quick drying, which means it dries quickly (duh) to a sticky film on your skin. A quick application over my butt and upper backs of my thighs left the skin of my butt sticking to the back of my thighs when I walked. Seriously. I know that is like waaaay too much information but who wants their butt sticking to their thighs?! And if you're saying, "I don't know Chloe, I uh can't say I've ever had that feeling before..." let me tell you. IT IS NOT AWESOME. It makes you feel all gross and bad about yourself in ways you never knew possible. My butt! It's sticking to my thighs! My butt shouldn't be sticking to the upper backs of my thighs!

The new formula is also full of glitter- you know, for those of you that want to look like a fucking orange disco ball. Nothing says "natural glow" like the words orange and disco ball, right? And to add insult to injury- the new formula flakes off in huge patches, making you look like you have a bizarre skin disease. Orangeyfuckingstickyglitteritis or something.

So I know you're all thinking, "Okay, well. If this stuff sucks so much, why did you buy this?" Right. Well, I can only find the "Medium" version in the store. I've never tried the "Deep" version. So I figured hey, we'll give it a try and see if it is any better. It likely isn't, but I'm desperate. I will keep you guys updated.

Jo Malone had their 25% off friends + family so I grabbed a few tubes of the Vitamin E Lip Conditioner, which is the best lip conditioner that you have ever paid way too much money for. Believe it.

Wednesday Wants Part 2

It feels so odd looking at fashions for next fall when we are still in the throes of winter; in fact, our snowiest month here in Colorado (which is March) hasn't even hit yet. Stores and boutiques are stocking flouncy skirts, ruffled tanks, and brightly patterned bikinis; yet the fashion world is currently celebrating and showcasing the dark, layered, heavy trends for next fall.

And I feel like I have a raging hangover from trying to take it all in at once.

Jesus christ, what season is it?!!! If you see me wandering around sometime in the next few weeks in this getup with a bikini top layered over it, Wayfarers perched precariously on my face, and gladiator sandals instead of boots....well, you will know exactly what happened:

I'm inventing a new season yay! Fallring? Faringtime? Rachel Zoe if you read this call me!

Grieve for me, girls. I'm srsly confused. My brain has sucked it all in and barfed it back out in a mishmash of pretty peaches and preposterous plaids. I click on the links posted at nymag.com to see the runway shows and the brief sting of panic washes over me until I realize, oh yeah- these are fall runway shows. Not spring. No need to fear, Chloe; no need to be startled. Black isn't going to be the big trend this summer. These are fall runway shows. Faaaall.

And I perhaps feel a bit sorry for those in the fashion industry. Is there ever a moment to genuinely enjoy what they've done?

Probably not. But I don't feel that sorry for them, because they obviously get to wear awesome clothes (of their own awesome design) all the time. Which would be awesomely awesome. I'd love to wear awesome clothes of my own awesome design, but I lack those certain design skills needed to be anyone awesome in the Fashion Biz.

So! If I had to design and make my own clothes, I'd probably be running around wrapped in duct tape and toilet paper, adorned in Tulip puff paints with rhinestones stuck on with a glue gun. And it might be bananas, but probably in a way I wasn't exactly going for.

Good thing I have Nanette Lepore to make awesome clothes instead. She was up today:

Ms. Lepore can do no wrong in my eyes. I love her more than someone should be allowed to love a fashion designer they're obsessively stalking. I just want to put her in my pocket, okay? There's nothing wrong with wanting to put itsy bitsy fashion designers into your pocket. Or wanting to kidnap her and hold her against her will in your closet so she can only design clothes for YOU. Or wanting to also get a little bit of the hotness that is Marc Jacobs in on the action.

Beavis and Butthead laughing starts...now. Uhhh heh heh.

What's been your favorite from NY Fashion Week so far? The worst?

Wednesday Wants.

Just a simple request for today: for nymag.com to hurry up and put the god damn motherfucking pictures up from Nanette Lepore's Fall 2009 RTW show which was scheduled for 10 am this morning. THIS MORNING! GET THE PICTURES UP! Come on come on come onnnnnnnn.

The anticipation! It's killing me! Well, it's making me have really bad gas anyway. Sensitive stomach nervous farts, ew.

Can one die from having really bad gas? I might find out here shortly. I think I OD'd on the fiber yesterday and today. Turns out fiber may not be my friend, and now thanks to the spongy, absorbent stuff I might not even have any real friends left after tonight. Friends of the human variety. Especially since we have a big meeting at work, one at which I am presenting and speaking. Oh god.

I can sue Fiber One for this, right? For leaving me bloated and gassy and friendless? Damn you Fiber One and your tasty biscuits of frosted goodness! Damn you! *wanders off to pour self another bowl*

In the meanwhile, here's Nanette Lepore's Spring RTW collection for 2009. Oooh, so pretty.

And Christian Siriano is doing a line for Payless this fall. Discuss.

& Questions Answered Regarding My Latest Purchases:

1. Both items from Forever 21 are smalls. I've found that Forever 21 has lately joined the ranks in vanity sizing- a few years back, a small would be laughable (and I'd rip a few seams trying to wiggle into whatever I had purchased) but now a small is almost too big. I really wish they'd introduce an XS in more of their clothing items.

To give you guys an idea- I'm 5'2", typically a size 0-2 in Nanette Lepore and a size 0-2 in J Crew. I don't have any boobs. I'm both an apple shape (I carry my weight around my middle) and I have a big rib cage, which is fun. It was amusing when I got measured for my wedding dress- most women are big, small, big (hips, waist, chest). I was small, big, small. It's like I'm fucking built backwards. Awesome.

And you know, I have to love the vanity sizing; it totally negates that I've gained about 10 pounds over the past year. YAY VANITY SIZING.

Which reminds me. A co-worker and I were discussing shapes one night and I pointed out my appleness to her. She said, "Well, but you're little. You're like a mini apple. You're a...um...uh...it's like...you're...you're a crab apple!"

Thanks co-worker. A crab apple. *bares fangs*

2. Here is the pattern on the F21 coat:

There is a slight floral pattern to it, which I love. It gives the coat texture without being obnoxious.

3. Yes, those jeans are totally from Target. I actually snagged them a while back when they were on sale for $19.99 (!), but even at $27.99 they're a steal. I'm guessing the inseam is around 33". I washed them as soon as I got home (and even after washing, they retain that nice faded grayish blue color) and they shrunk up to where I can wear them perfectly with a pair of 3" heels. My inseam is typically around 29". They make my pancake-flat butt look...well, good. Or at least better than it normally looks. Awwwwesome.

4. Pictures of me and Petunia:

Oh wait, that's right. Nobody asked for pictures of Petunia. Well, SOMETHING is wrong with that. Wrong! Wrong wrong wrong! And you guys are getting them anyway. Peets is usually frolicking in the background (or foreground, or any ground) of my photo shoots, so I decided to grab her and snap a few pics. She is totally my baby. And almost a year old! I love chihuahua squints, even if it's probably burning holes into her retina. Enjoy!

Freaking Fabulous Finds Under $100

Lots of retailers are having sales today (celebrating the Presidents, I suppose) and it is hard to not feel the temptation sucking me in. But I promise I will exude some willpower today (hear that, self? exude some willpower goddamnit) and I will instead post things that I would buy, but I think you guys should buy instead.

Nice, aren't I?

Most finds are under $100, with a few thrown in around the $150 mark because they were simply too lovely to leave out. Enjoy!

From Tobi.com:
Free shipping on all items; use code "25MORE" for 25% off all sale items






From ShopGoldyn.com:
Free shipping on all orders over $100; use code "PRES50" for 50% off everything

Also, did you know Charlotte Ronson is Sam Ronson's twin sister? I did not know that. I'm not sure how I feel about that, either. I'd be a little weirded out if my twin sister was Lindsay Lohan's gay lover, I cannot lie. Maybe it's because my sister isn't gay. But still. Weird.



And some other sales happening today:

-Luna Boston: 15% off orders from $100 - $499, 20% off orders from $499 - $999 and 30% off orders over $1000 with code “lucky13″ through 2/16
-Tulle: LOVE009 for 20% off through 2/16
-Blue Bee: 30% off with code VAL0930 through 2/17
-Shoes.com: 20% off with code HEART through 2/20
-Stefanibags: Luv30 for 30% off all handbags (including sale, but excluding jewelry) - 2/16
-Bloomingdales: $25 off $100+ with code YES25 through 2/16

Happy Shopping!